I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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