Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
