I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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