Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
