you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
