i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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