First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I have post one night stand depression
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