you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
