Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
