i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
