omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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