i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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