Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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