I want to walk on stilts...naked
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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