My room smells like vodka and shame
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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