A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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