I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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