I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
