On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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