Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i think i just lost a toe
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
