i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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