dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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