The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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