He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize