when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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