never play flip cup with pint glasses
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
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