I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
