i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize