Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
