there's paper in my vomit.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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