insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
