We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
