I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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