and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
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