Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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