So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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