I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You're earring is so big in my mouth
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
