Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
