4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
