How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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