You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
