I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
