I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
