I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize