Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
