Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize