My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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