You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
