Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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