Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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