So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize