I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
