Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
