Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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