Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
