after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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