he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
