I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize