Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
