you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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