I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
